A light rain is pouring down on the Tiny House where I spend some of my time. I go here to avoid the noise from the craftsmen where I live. They are doing a full pipe replacement and a bathroom renovation in my apartment building. Even though they haven’t reached my apartment yet the noise makes it difficult to concentrate. The Tiny House is quieter. Besides, I like being able to step out on grass and to be close to the starry night sky.
I’ve always known what I want to do in life. I want to make music and I want to write. In fact this is about all I want to do, for a living. Too bad it’s not the easiest ways to pay your bills.
I’ve tried working for others when it comes to music. But I have a need to express myself, not others. I feel the most inspired when I can reach inside of me, find something I find interesting like a melody, a rhythm or anything music and sound related, and bring it out and record it. To keep even wanting to make music I need to find it and work with it inside myself. I’m not very good at being handed someone else’s idea and work towards other peoples’ visions. That’s a way for me to quickly lose my inspiration.
Regrets for lost time has been tormenting me over the years but it was worse when I was working shifts and had less time and energy. To constantly change your circadian rhythm puts you in a constant jet lag. It took some time for me to understand that I didn’t have a sleeping problem, lying awake staring at the ceiling, but a working-shifts-problem. I mostly ended up in front of PC games drinking coffee and eating candy to get the energy back (for the next shift).
Thinking about this and all the years I’ve wasted I’m surprised I still want to create music, writing and other art. I guess it’s hard to kill that drive completely. Mine is severely beaten but I know I can heal it and help it on its feet again.
I wrote a novel draft. No, actually two novel drafts. Today I set aside time for writing and the idea is to rewrite the first draft. But I wanted to write down these words first. I need to remind myself what I need to do and why. And ultimately, who I am. A little later I will keep working on the song I’m recording. A little each day.
There is a tree I’ve taken a lot of pictures of. It’s close to the Tiny House and I see it on my walks. While working shifts I got frustrated seeing these naked branches. They looked like arms, reaching everywhere for meaning but never connecting to anything. Today I see opportunities, a will to touch the world, and later this spring, blooming.
